Sex parties, once a hush-hush underground scene, has been thrust into the semi-mainstream. The internet has given rise to kink communities and has made it easier for people to connect with one another. There is also a greater acceptance of sexual kinks in today’s society, and that is a great thing. Sex parties are a fun way to explore your sexuality, meet people in the kink community, and have a bit of fun. They can also feel a bit intimidating, though. Fear not, we’ve collected 10 tips that will make it easy for you to survive and thrive at your first sex party.
Layout Your Own Ground Rules
Before you get to the party, it Is always a good idea to discuss your rules and boundaries with your partner; whether it is your romantic partner or your sex party buddy. Discussing your rules and boundaries are the best way to discover what you are both comfortable with.
For romantic partners, an “anything goes” mentality might seem perfectly plausible after a drink at home, or during a pillow talk session, but we urge you to be realistic with your boundaries. Couples may find that hypothetical pillow talk doesn’t translate well when another living, breathing person is touching their partner. This is okay, and it isn’t uncommon. To avoid a scene or hurt feelings, do be honest with what boundaries will work best for your first time out.
If your sex party buddy is just a friend it is still a good idea to discuss your boundaries with one another. This can help keep you safe and get you out of situations you don’t feel comfortable in. It is also a great way to explore how far you are willing to go your first time out.
Bring a Buddy
Your first sex party can be an intense and intimidating experience. Bringing a buddy can help ensure you feel more comfortable and enjoy your night. Many parties require that you bring a friend or partner along. The buddy system keeps everyone safe and honest and helps to ensure all participants are being held accountable for their actions.
If you aren’t sure if you need a buddy for a party, ask the organizer. If you don’t have a buddy they may even be able to set you up with another single who is interested in attending and help you connect with that person.
Read the Rules
Every sex party should have a list of rules. You should familiarize yourself with them before you step in the door. The rules will include information on consent, cruising, dress and general expectations for all party goers. Read the rules, know the rules and follow the rules. If a party you are attending does not have easily accessible rules, or they do not cover simple topics like consent, it isn’t the party for you.
Sex party hosts are usually heavily entrenched in the scene and take their role in that scene very seriously. If you don’t understand why a rule is in place, or simply don’t get what the rules mean, don’t be afraid to ask the host. They will happily explain them to you.
Ask for A Tour
When you arrive, don’t be afraid to ask the host or greeter for a tour of the space. This is a good way to get a sense of the scene and understand how all the moving parts work. Some parties will have a mingling area and a sexual area that are separated from one another. Some parties will be held in large open spaces with designated zones. Don’t be afraid to ask questions as the host walks you through.
Once your tour is done you’ll have a good idea of the areas that you feel comfortable staying in and the areas that you think are outside your pay grade.
Stay (mostly) Sober
Sex parties are supposed to be fun, but they aren’t the type of venue where you should get absolutely trashed. Drinking too much tends to make people make poor decisions or act poorly. Sex parties, while they are all about sexual expression aren’t intended for people who want to be loud and obnoxious. That is what the bar or nightclub is for.
Feel free to have a drink to help with your nerves, but avoid getting too drunk. Hosts might even have rules in place regarding inebriated participants. After all, most sex parties are focused on consent, and drunk participants can’t give their consent. Hosts know this can be a recipe for disaster and strongly advise limiting alcoholic consumption.
Talk to People
Sex party experts all agree that first timers and even seasoned participants can find the atmosphere a bit awkward. Sexually charged situations can feel very intimidating, but everyone is there for the same reason. Don’t be shy and feel free to talk to people. You can chat them up like you would talk to anyone in any other social situation, or you can move in for the kill a little quicker.
Clean Up After Yourself
Sex party hosts are often volunteers. They enjoy the scene and bringing people together, but that doesn’t mean they want to clean up used condoms and wipe down equipment all night. They would much prefer to be getting laid, too. Clean up after yourself and be respectful of the space you are using.
Dress in Clothes that Make You Feel Sexy
Sex parties don’t require a fancy costume or complicated lingerie. Newbies often overshoot their first time out, assuming they must come through the door looking like a dominatrix to be accepted into the scene. That simply isn’t the case. Sex parties have a far more casual dress code than most would think.
Go to your first party in the clothes that make you feel sexy; whether that is a leather dress or a pair of skinny jeans and a tee-shirt. Pick your footwear wisely. You’ll want something that is comfortable but also makes you feel sexy naked. Running shoes with no clothes on, for example, might not make you feel like a sex party vixen. Think about it before you suit up.
Leave Expectations at the Door
You’ll enjoy yourself more at your first sex party if you go in with no expectations. This is true for most things in life. You may have boundaries and rules, you may even have some desires, but go in without expectations, and you’ll be able to absorb and enjoy the scene. Don’t go in assuming you’ll have sex, or that you won’t have sex. Leave some things open ended and just go with the flow.
Now that you know how the scene works and what you should and should not do at your first party, get out there and have some fun. Meet people, get frisky, but most of all be safe!
Used with kind permission from Coleen Singer and our friends at